How about that?

Here lately I have been thinking alot about "things". These things being what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what makes me who I am.

Believe it or not I am a very demanding person. O'Neil tells me that I am difficult.
I don't see myself like this but I do want what I want when I want and I want things done my way. I don't like things to be in dissaray. It makes me feel overwhelmed and discombobulated. I can't handle that.

As much as I would like to be I am not a lovey dovey type person. I never have been. O'Neil is very affectionate and so we clash in that respect. He doesn't understand me and I don't understand him.

I guess for a while now I have been in this funk and it is only getting worse. I guess I nreally need to break down and get back on my crazy medicine but I don't want to do that either. I don't want to have to depend on medicine to make me feel good. I was fine until the birth of Mason in May of 02. It's been all down hill since then. After the birth of Mason I suffered SEVERE post partum depression. I thought I was fine but everyone else around me knew I was one whacked out nut job. This was tough on everybody. I mean here I am 24 years old with a great husband, nice house, nice cars, a new baby and everything else I could want in life. I was very excited about Mason and I "thought" I was ok. Looking back I was NOT ok...i was a whack-a-doo who needed some serious help. I would barely touch mason. I refused to change diapers. I didn't want to feed him. All I wanted to do was sleep. I had a very rough and BAD pregnancy with Mason. (That's another post, actually I giuess I am going backwards with my thoughts but this is me and I will do what I want)
so anyway....My doctor tried to warn me that I was going to have post partum depression and i told him he was crazy. That i wanted my baby and would love him. He explained to me that he has been an OB doctor long enough and knowing me for as long as he has my personality is sure signs I am a high candidate for post partum....ok dude your crazy..that is what i am thinking...no he wasn't crazy I was and I did suffer from it and it was awful. But once again I thought i was fine....i couldn't understand why my mom was crying, why oneil was looking at me like i was nuts, why the people around me were walking on eggshells. Hindsight is 20/20. So he tells me 2 days after birth that he is going to put me on Zoloft and I tell him it's not necessary I am fine and all the while the rest of the family was obviously telling him different. So I started on 100mg of zoloft....WOW..can you say good for nothing...I was a walking zombie and very loopy. He cut the dose back to 75mg...much better...2 weeks goes by and I am feeling pretty darn good. Then one day after not really having any interaction with Mason, I did but not like a mother should, I woke up and thought I was super mom....O'Neil wasn't doing anything right and I was back to my old self I guess you would say. I hated, hated hated feeling like this. It was beyond my control and it SUCKED BIG TIME. I do not wish that upon anyone and there is ALOT of women who suffer from it and they don't realize it.

On that Note....SCREW YOU TOM CRUISE I WOULDN'T SPIT DOWN YOUR THROAT IF YOUR GUTS WAS ON FIRE!!!!

who the hell is he? Tell me..please ...I want to know...other than another whack-a-doo celebrity....

i don't believe I am depressed right now I think I am stressed. My family has been turned upside down and routines are out of whack. I am a firm believer in routines for children makes things go alot smoother. They also like routine. So until I can get myself back on track maybe I should consider taking my meds. I guess when your hubby ask...hey you think your meds will help you out? I guess that is a sure sign you may should consider it huh!

I have read up on my sign ( I am gemini by the way) and it sooo fits me to a tee!!
Kinda scary actually!!

Thoughts..

"It's not what I do, but the way I do it,
It's not what I say, but the way I say it"
-----Mae West

I have decided through Fancy Simple that Angie and Barb have started that I would participate as much as possible. I think this will help me find out alot about my inner self. I have a hard time focusing on me ( I know that is hard to believe, after all this is a "meocracy") but I guess what I am trying to say is deep within me? Does that make sense? Here is an example:

Name 5 random facts about me....That is hard for me. I guess because I don't really think about my quirks or habits that might be out the norm. Why you ask? Well because I think I am normal...duh!! LOL... So I think through this it will help me in quite a few ways. OR here is abetter one..I have seen some blogs where people have 100 things about them. Hell I can't come up with 5 you think I can 100? Sheesh! Through this I hope to accomplish at least these 3 things

1. To get me thinking about things I normally wouldn't think about.
2. Help me do better journaling not only on my scrap pages but just start journaling in general a whole lot more on my pages. I am not a great storyteller and definitly not a big journaler.
3. Find my true self deep within. What makes me happy? What makes me sad? ect...

So back to the quote. There is a few things I would like to change about the things I do and say. I really need to stop being impatient with my kids when they start getting on my nerves. Before you know it they are all grown up and I need to stop worrying about my house being in tip top shape and everything in it's place. That truly is not more important than spending quality time with my kids. Who cares if you can't eat cake off my floor? It's not like that is absolutly going to be the end of the world right? I need to start working on and focusing on what's more important. House cleaning all the time or playing games, reading books and playing ball with the kids. The house cleaning will there tomorrow. Quality time with the kids will not. Tonight I was on the phone with a friend of mine and O'neil's (Marty and Julia) and we were discussing how fast they grow up and blah blah and I said yeah Mason will be starting kindergarten this year and she said Oh my gosh it was yesterday I was changing his diapers. That is so true. Where has time gone? I can just cry thinking about my baby boy starting kindergarten. Once they start school time really passes you up then.

If anybody else want's to participate head on over to Fancy Simple and jump right in.

xoxoxox

Thoughts I must express...

eta: is anyone having trouble commenting...i have heard from a few people that the comment page will not load for them to comment...if you are having trouble please email me and let me know so i can go back to the regular version of blogger...i knew i should have not went to the beta...damn you blogger for putting a crimp in my bloggin'

Normally I don't watch the local news here. I think it is a 3 ring circus. Typically the "top story" is the neighbors dog got loose and dumped over the trash can. However, last night was different. There was a house fire that claim the lives of 2 toddler boys (ages 2 and 3) The mother could only escape with the infant baby. There was nothing she could do. I am not by any means one to get emotional. I am not a cry baby but last night I cried not only because I am a mother but because I have children close to her children's age. To see this mother in that much pain & blaming herself for not being able to get her 2 boys out of that fire was devestating for me.
Having been in law enforcement for many years and growing up with law enforcement I have seen and heard ALOT! At the age of 18 I began dispatching police and fire. It takes a special person to be able to do that job and I did it and I did it well. I was able to seperate myself and not let it bother me. The things I have expierenced from 18-25 have been pretty intense and it is things most people will never expierence in a lifetime.

• A suicide scene that was as gory as they come (age 19)
• 2 autopsy's (a smell you will never forget or mistake for anything else) (age 20)
• On the phone with a teenage kid who was being chased by a person in another vehicle which made him crash, the car catch on fire and him trapped in it unable to get out while on 911 with me and burning up in the vehicle with me on the phone. (age 21)
• A woman who's ex-boyfriend, whom she put in jail for repeated domestic assault, slice her up while she was on the phone with me. (age 21)
• A mother driving down the street less than a mile (she was going from mom's house to her's) on the fourth of July with her child (age 3) not in a carseat because I guess she figured the road traveled was a residential one hardly traveled by anyone since there was only a few houses on it. Someone shot off one of those big huge loud fireworks, scared her and the child, the child jumps, mom crashed the vehicle and kills her only child. (age 22)
• My husband of only 2 days, while on duty responding to back up another officer hit a horse he did not see on a dark county road and wrecked 500 feet off in the woods almost killing himself. They said if he would have been just a wee bit taller he would have been killed because the roof caved in on top of him. (age 23)
• O'Neil having to shoot and kill a child's father in front of the child while daddy was holding the child hostage. Daddy gave O'Neil no other choice because he would have killed his own son rather than just let him go. (age 25) (Mason was 7 months)

I could go on and on but the point of this post is, I guess, is all I have gone through you never truly understand or "relate" to anything in it's entirety until you have children. Sure I was sad for the child who lost his life on the fourth of July and the teenager who lost his and most importantly to the child who's daddy lost his life because he would rather shoot at O'Neil and hold a gun to his own son's head because of selfishness. BUT until you have children of your own you really CANNOT understand.

Is it because when you have your own you tend to think "what if" that happened to me or my children? Who knows! What I do know is now I have a deeper and better understanding of what "true love" really is. For those of you fellow bloggers who have children you know exactly where I am coming from. For those of you who don't will soon someday know all these feelings I am describing. You will never in your life expierence love until you have children. You think you know what love is...hell i thought i did... but I didn't. Not until I had Mason.

Hug your family and tell them you love them as often as possible. No one knows what GOD has in store for them tomorrow.

Sorry for such a depressing post but I had to get that out.

Much love to you all!!

xoxox

G